I met you either at a bar somewhere or online and after a few playful texts we choose a night to meet. It is of no import if it is a weekday or weekend night, as long as I can plan the logistics correctly. My goal on our first date is to sleep with you. If we are meeting by your place, then I will have already asked about your roommates and living situation in an indirect way. For example, I will ask if you like living in (insert city), if you have any friends there, and subsequently “what about your roommates?” This will lead you to telling me how many roommates you have and a few things about them, which in turn allows me to evaluate how difficult it would be to go back to your place after the date, and more importantly how likely or unlikely the bang would be. If you are coming to me that’s no issue, because I live alone.
We will get drinks and potentially some food at a nice-to-high-end place. If you are coming to me, you will park at my place and either I’ll drive or we walk to the bar because it will be no more than 5 minutes away. I will greet you with a hug to start the physical contact process. If I am coming to you, I will pick you up so you can drink freely. I do not greet you with a hug or kiss. I am either in a suit with no tie, or a blazer and jeans. You will never be overdressed for me.
Once we arrive at our date location, I open the restaurant or bar door and allow you to walk in. I want you to feel the traditional mindset I am invoking, and know that you are the woman in this setting. I let you sit down first. Then I sit next to you, not across from you. I tell you it is because I don’t want to have to yell during our date but in reality it is so I can touch you more easily as we talk to each other. I ask you about your drinks of choice and you tell me and I mentally take note of what you like for later. We get a round of drinks and start chatting about whatever.
Every placement of my hand and every move I make is calculated. I let my thigh rest on your thigh for compliance testing. Do you move your thigh away? Do you let it sit there? Do you actually push back a little? Eventually I have my arm over your chair and at times will hold onto your upper back. I will go to tell you something in your ear after purposefully not saying it loudly enough, to create sexual tension as our cheeks meet to exchange this important detail. I maybe hold an extra second so you wonder if I’m going to kiss you or not. But I won’t kiss you.
As you tell me stories I yawn noticeably one time. You will ask me if I think you are boring and be offended. I tell you of course not, I was just yawning. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe me, because you have already taken offense to it. Good. I also look around a lot and act like I am not interested at times. At other times I am listening intently about what you are saying. You tell me that you “cannot figure me out.” Perfect. You ask me how many dates I go on a week and I say none, this is my first and I am hoping to potentially hold hands with you at some point in the night as I’m too nervous to kiss a girl. You retort “Shutup!” and ask me again. I ask you for a sip of your drink because I want to try it. I don’t answer your question and eventually you give up trying to get an answer.
I tell you pre-scripted stories to gauge your interest in sex. I tell you about that time I went to a male strip show and the girls were amazingly horny and loud. Do you agree? Do you find that offensive? I go into detail about how girls were brought on stage and basically molested. Again, what is your offense level, or are you ok with it? I tell you about how I’ve visited 24 countries and can speak 4 languages. I tell you about how quickly Brazilian girls show affection, or how feminine FSU girls are. I mention numerous times how I don’t judge people — so it gets ingrained in your mind that should you want to have sex with me the first night, I won’t judge you.
We look around at people at the bar and I say let’s play a game and guess who’s on a date, who’s in a relationship, etc. I specifically point out people and say that guy will never get laid, she sees him as just a friend. I point across the room and say those two have already fucked. Again, sex, sex, sex. There shouldn’t be a question where our minds are at.
The bill comes and I let it sit there for about 30 seconds. Just enough time to make you sweat but not enough time for you to offer. I am traditional and I have told you this, so I am paying. After 30 seconds I take the bill and put it aside by me, so you cannot pay but also so we do not break our conversation. No rush here. After a few minutes, I pay and I tell you “let’s go” but I do not say where.
As we walk out, I will have my hand on your lower back with you in front of me and will say my standard line of “I’m not tired, are you tired? I can stand to hang out a bit longer.” One of two things usually happens. If I’ve pissed you off enough with my yawning or looking around, or offended you with my stories, you will tell me you are tired and want to go home or flat out say I was rude. This is when I engage in some damage control and grab your face and make out with you, regardless of where we are or who is watching. I tell you to calm down you are misinterpreting things and so on. I’m a good kisser, so you will feign a protest but eventually relent. If you are into me after we leave, then I don’t make out with you because I don’t have to yet.
Now, either way we are ready to hang out a bit more. Since I asked you your drinking proclivities earlier, I know what you like to drink. Chances are you like champagne. If we are by my place, I tell you my client recently gave me this organic champagne and said I should really try it. My client never gave me a bottle, I bought it at Trader Joe’s a few hours ago for $7. If we are by your place, I magically have a bottle of wine or champagne in my car and we can go drink it at your place. You eventually agree and I hope you say the magic words “but we are not going to have sex.” If you say that, then I know we are going to have sex.
Once inside I amplify touching but hold back kissing. We pour a drink and put on some music or, if at your place, the TV. After about 10 minutes or so, I do one of two things. If you were wearing heels or wedges, I ask you to stand up so I can see you “without your inches of bullshit on.” When you are in front of me and I am of course taller than you staring down, I pat your head like a good girl and then go for the makeout and go strong. If you were not wearing heels, I ask to see your hands because I know they will be smaller than mine. I then pull you in to make out with you.
I escalate and escalate hard. I will be a bit rough. I will physically pick you up as we are standing, and carry you towards the bedroom. If you say no not in there, fine, I will go back to the couch and throw you on there. Note, I will not gently place you down there. I know girls like it rough. I take my cues from both your words and your actions. Experience trumps anything you read in theory, and having been on many many dates I can tell by now what you actually mean and what you don’t mean. If you are pushing me away, I will back off. If you are grabbing my dick through my pants, I will push forward. Eventually you will tell me that “you’re so bad” or “do you ever calm down?!” Again, one of two things will happen. You will eventually stop me, but will not punish me for going for sex. That’s fine. I know the next time I see you we will have sex. And if I don’t see you again, then you were not serious about having sex with me in the first place. There is no losing here.
The better alternative is we do end up having sex. A few times. And again, I will either see you again or I won’t. If I do, cool, we can have sex again. If I don’t — whether it’s because you now feel like a slut or think that I just want you for sex and not a relationship — that’s cool too because chances are as an American girl I wasn’t that serious about you anyway.
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Law Dogger is an attorney in Southern California and the litigation partner of his law firm. A traditionalist at heart, he travels often in an attempt to expose himself to as many cultures across the globe as possible. His column runs every Wednesday and he can be found on Twitter as well.
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